You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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