I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
