I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
