I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
