I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
