We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
