Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
