she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
