Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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