If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize