ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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