You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You ruined the universe
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize