The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
