If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
