someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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