I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
