it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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