her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
