I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
