Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
