can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
