If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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