Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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