I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
