I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
