So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
