yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
