If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
