That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
