Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
