Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
