you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
