my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
