Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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