I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
