Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
