You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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