i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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