Got a toothbrush?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
