K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
