last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize