Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
the room spins SO much faster in panama
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
