That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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