Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
