i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize