my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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