she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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