Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
