my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
