you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
