just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
