Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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