but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
