I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
