The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
