phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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