Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
