my phone needs a breathalizer
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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