Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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