I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
