Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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