last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
