I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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