Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
