Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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