I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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