maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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