Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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